By Nat Crawford
Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting that person to suffer and die. That is the truth. How many of us harbor resentment and expect the other person to anguish? This is a unhealthy way live.
At a training I was co-leading, a participant came up and said "I don't agree with your statement of unforgiveness being like poison." She continued, "I will never forgive my father for the things he did. He's dead and I don't have to forgive him. I have control." This was sad to hear. She could not realize her dead father had control even in the grave. Her unforgiveness was eating her up inside, like an emotional cancer.
Why do people choose not to forgive? There are many reasons and many are quite legitimate...for a while. I believe there are four myths of forgiveness that prevent people from letting go.
Myth #1 - Forgiveness means you condone wrong doing. Forgiveness does not mean you say "It's okay. I deserved that." Forgiveness lays responsibility at the feet of the offender and takes it off your shoulders.
Myth #2 - Forgiveness is a free pass to hurt me again. Forgiveness does recognize that you may be hurt again. That is inevitable, but this does not give permission for the offender to hurt you at will. There is risk of hurt whenever you care about someone. In the movie Shadowlands, C.S. Lewis reflects on his relationship with his then wife, Joy. "The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal."
Myth #3 - Forgiveness means I have to be over the pain. We all wish this the negative feelings of the offense were done at the point of forgiveness. Often they are not. Forgiveness is a process. Life goes on and events trigger past pain. Sometimes we can't explain why we experience these feelings again, but it is natural. What we do with those feelings is a choice. If we have forgiven someone, then we give up the ability to go on the offense bringing up past wrongs.
Myth #4 - Forgiveness changes the past, aka forgive and forget. What is done, is done. It's history and it is in the books. We can't change the event, but we can change the emotional meaning it has. Most people, given time and careful reflection, will see the negative events of their lives as catalysts for a greater now and future. We have the ability to change the titles of our past from victim to success.
Forgiveness is tough. It takes time. It is a process. It means loving others as well as yourself. The alternative is a position of victimhood and emotional negativity. Look at your own life and count the times you've been forgiven. If you're like me, I've been forgiven more than I deserve. Why then would I not forgive? Labels: cornerstone leadership solutions, cs lewis, forgiveness, myth, poison, shadowlands
