One of the worst statements I ever heard from my wife was "I feel like we're roommates. We are in a drive-by relationship." At that moment I rejected the notion, because this was our marriage. That couldn't be true. We were not in a transactional relationship. But the more I thought about it, the statement cut to my core. Not because she was wrong, but because she was right.
Unfortunately too many marriages, family relationships, friendships - relationships are lived in drive-by. The passing of information, the handing off a project, or the dropping off a kid are the transactions. It's not that those activities aren't important. They are. The real tragedy is that the most needed element is missing. That is connection.
If you want to connect in your relationships instead of just transacting in drive-by practice these five habits:
Be repentant. This may sound an odd way to start, but it is the foundation of the other habits. You're reading this because you've committed a communication sin. So whoever it is you've been driving by, repent.
All you need to say (and mean it) is: "I am sorry. I was wrong. Will you forgive me? I assure you that moving forward, I will connect with you and not just transact."
Be present. Talking with someone does not necessarily mean you are present. Too many people are trying to communicate with great barriers between them. So to be present you need to:
- Put down your cell phone..No, put it away.
- Back away from your computer.
- Shut off your TV or radio. It won't kill you to not have multiple stimuli at a time.
- Look at the person.
Be interested. Great communicators are interested. Connected people are interested. It's not about you. People will believe you are sincerely interested when you are present. By simply nodding your head. Maintain eye contact. On occasion repeat back to them the understood message.
Be involved. How? Ask questions. This shows a desire to understand more. There is no doubt, you'll find much common ground in your conversation. My advice: save your side of the story till next time.
I had coffee with a person last month. We sat together for an hour. During that 60 minutes, I spent 5-7 minutes talking about me and only because they asked a question. the rest of the time was me asking questions. I received a note that afternoon stating "Thanks for the great talk. I look forward to doing it again."
Be flexible. We all operate in one to two primary communication domains. Some of us are more task focused. Others are more people focused. Some are faster paced. Others are slower paced. Some want to chat details. Others want to provide bullet points. None of these are right or wrong. As a communicator, you'd be wise to learn to flex based on each person's communication style.
Cornerstone offers such teaching and a tool to understand the communication patterns of you, your team, your spouse - anyone you communicate with. Learn more on Cornerstone's website.
You can see these habits are not complicated, but they do require intentionality. I have to constantly be asking myself "Nat, are you living these habits with Tiff?" Because I practice these habits, our marriage transforms back from drive-by and transactional to connected and transformational. You can do the same.
Question: Who are you with in a drive-by relationship? Which one of these habits will you begin to implement? I'd love ot know how this helps your relationship. Comment below!
Labels: Communication, cornerstone leadership solutions, effective, friendship, habits, interested. involved. flexible., lincoln, marraige, relationships, repent, transactional, transformational
